How the list got me stuck: An executive dysfunction love story

Someone deadass said to me once, “I wish I could be like you.” Uggggh. The internal reaction I had at the time.
I understand now why they said it. At a glance, I’m hyper-competent in some areas and can look relaxed when I’m in my element…

But the cost of learning to survive by being a high-achieving perfectionist sometimes gets the better of me.

I was thinking about how I had a thousand thoughts yesterday, all the things I had to do, all the worries of what was coming next. It felt like an axe hanging over my head, so I sat and wrote them all down.

It was an entire page.

I literally said out loud, even though those in the room didn't answer me, "How do people just do all this stuff? Or even keep track? Like Fuck, do I just have more than the average person?"

After I was met with crickets, I just put the list down and had a mini internal crash-out. I started thinking about all the ways to get this list done. How would I ever find the time for all of this? Even thought about sending the list to my husband just to feel seen for a minute, and maybe he would give me that little supportive bump to stay accountable, but I didn't.

Then my daughter was giggling across from me in her highchair, and even though it was hard, I forced myself present. I laughed with her for a moment, making silly faces even with worry heavy in my chest and hanging out in the back of my mind. It gave me enough space to realize I’d just spent more time trying to figure out how the hell to do all these things, but I wasn’t actually focused on any of the actual tasks on the list. They all felt like an emergency, and it felt so big in my brain. It was helpful to write it all out, so at least I was getting some relief from not having to be worried about remembering it all, but I was still stuck.

I read the list again and asked myself, “What is one thing on here that I’m capable of taking care of or putting some energy into right now, AND would actually make me feel better (by capable, I mean having the mental energy)? What was something that didn't have more than 2 steps to complete?”

I paid a bill I was putting off. I was putting it off, not due to finances, but because it was a bill attached to my autistic son's services that was part of a bigger billing fraud issue from a company we no longer use, and they owe ME several hundred dollars at this point, and I was stuck on the injustice of it. But the thought of something going to sit in collections and growing into something even bigger sounded like another AuDHD tax I’d have to put on a future list.

I paid the bill online in less than 5 mins. Documented it so it’s another thing, part of the pending case, and moved on. I even felt more motivated to knock out a few other one-step tasks. Maybe someone else would have just paid the bill the day it arrived in the mail and not thought anything of it, but my mind works differently. Rarely is anything straightforward for me. Each task is a thousand paralyzing thoughts. "There's always something"is practically my family motto at this point. It's frustrating, but the healing part is grace.

Giving myself grace to accept that this is how my mind works, and instead of wallowing in how much having non-existent executive functioning fucking sucks, I find ways that work. Some days it's easier to catch, slow down with some mindfulness, break things down into manageable tasks, ask for help, body double, etc. Life is just fucking hard yo. 

I’ll still celebrate this win.





Any of this sound familiar? I help adults stop beating themselves up for a brain that works differently.

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